I hope everyone had a safe and joyous Halloween. We had planned to dress Baby K up like a lion cub and re-enact the scene from the Lion King where Rafiki holds Simba up to show the circle of life, but alas, that was just not in the cards for us financially. Plus, after three trips to Target, we couldn’t find the correct size lion cub costume! Maybe now that Halloween is over, we can get the costume and just do it for fun since baby girl won’t be this little ever again!
I am very thankful to my employers for being flexible with me working from home two days every week, and even three days this week. Next week, J will be babysitting for us full time so we are looking forward to that. Baby K seems to do really great with her, too. S has been home a few days this week so he has helped some with Baby K during the day.
Things have been tough lately. I have been nervous about posting how I’m really feeling and I have been trying to figure out why. Perhaps I am worried about being judged? I preach honesty to S all the time, and here I am worried about being truly honest with myself, and the world.
Lately, there have been a lot of crying nights spent in Baby K’s nursery rocking her to sleep. She fights sleep so much sometimes. We are trying to get into more of a routine with feeding her a bottle and then bath time by about 8 p.m. and then try to get her to sleep. She did sleep about six hours straight two nights in a row (CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH!?) but that was sometime last week and since then she has been going down about 9 p.m. and waking up between 1 and 2 a.m. Sometimes S gets up with us and helps by making a bottle while I nurse, but that is not an always thing. Last night, I had to make a bottle while holding a crying baby, which is as difficult as it sounds.
I am not writing this to complain about my significant other, but I know there have got to be other moms out there who are dealing with all of this, too. In addition to using this as a platform to vent about my own feelings, I want you to know that you are not alone.
November 5, 2019 will make 13 months since my best friend took her own life only three months post partum. This is something we have to talk about to prevent more tragedies like that from happening. I would like to sit here and say that I would never do something like that and leave Baby K behind, but I don’t know what tomorrow’s emotions, and hormones, might bring. I am getting treatment by seeing a psychologist weekly, and I am SO GRATEFUL for her. I have a wonderful support system outside of my immediate family, which consists mainly of my mom, who lives next door. I do believe that I might not be here today if it weren’t for her support and love.
I want to leave some resources here for anyone who might be struggling. The holidays can be a really tough time for some people, and no one should have to struggle alone. Please ask for help before it’s too late. We all wish Amanda would have.
If you are in or around Fort Worth, Texas, check out Lena Pope Counseling Services. They work with you on payments so if you don’t have insurance or think you can’t afford treatment, they work wonders. 817-255-2500 or the Lena Pope website. The National Suicide Prevention Line is 1-800-273-8255 and they have a wonderful website with great resources, too.
I’d like to always end my posts with my deepest and sincerest gratitude: Thank you for us always having enough. Thank you for money being there when we need it. Thank you for my good health, Baby K’s good health and S’s good health. Thank you for the things we have today, and the things we will have tomorrow. Thank you for allowing me to get up again today and try to make this day count. Thank you for my mom and dad and brother’s health and happiness. Thank you for the opportunity to make an impact on someone who is struggling. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.